Safe Harbours

Jan 22, 2009, 2:05 am In the last 18 months, I seem to to meet several individuals who are either going through divorce, or about to go through divorce. Divorce is painful... it involves the tearing apart of two people's lives. It isn't something you "just get over." Divorce takes time to mend your life. The estimate is one year for every two years of relationship. So, for example, if you've been married for 10 years... it will take five years of recovery after divorce before you are ready to attempt another relationship. When I recommend to individuals to take a break from relationship after divorce and take the time to allow their hearts to heal, a lot of my guys have run off and gotten involved immediately, only to come back and tell me that they should have listened. I guess the reality is that you have to love yourself enough to take the time off to explore the realities of "what happened..." If you don't take these steps, you'll

Trust is something that is earned. Trust can be broken easily when lies are told, secrets are kept about hurtful occurrences in family relationships, and confidences are betrayed. There are only some instances when a confidence should be broken. Those are the instances when abuse is happening and it needs to be reported to a respected authority. The disclosure of abuse requires action. Regaining trust is a process that takes days, months and sometimes years. There are some trusts that are never regained. Like the trust that a child once had in a perpetrator. Can perpetrators ever learn to be trustworthy again? The answer is yes, but it is a very difficult process. The statistics show that 85% of child abusers re-offend. It is a nasty cycle that repeats itself generation after generation. Who can break that cycle? The cycle breaks with you and with me. We are all responsible for being trustworthy individuals for the innocents of this world. We are all called to be a safe ha

It is difficult to find a safe place when everything inside of you is in chaos. Sometimes, it is difficult to identify where the chaos begins and where it ends. For people who have suffered abuse, the chaos begins when the abuse occurs. Often adults don't know why they feel chaotic. They don't remember periods of early abuse, or they feel like their worlds are spinning out of control. One way adults use to control remembering periods of abuse is to self-medicate. Self-medication comes in several forms: alcohol, elicit drugs, prescription drugs, food, and sex. Yes, sex is a form of medication when used in excess. It is better to not self-medicate if possible. If an adult has been abused in childhood, it is better for the adult to seek help in the form of psychotherapy with a professional who has experience in treating trauma. I do not recommend that clergy treat trauma unless they are specifically trained to treat trauma. Trauma has complicated outcomes. Some individuals have un

I've had this question posed to me recently by a couple of people. Obviously, the first question is this... if the revelation of the betrayal causes you to be more at risk of harm, the answer, is no, you don't admit you're having an affair. But, you also, don't stay in the marriage or relationship either when you are at risk of being physically harmed. The reality is... the affair occurred because your emotional needs were not being met by the abuser. This is NOT an excuse. If the abuser is capable of making changes toward making the relationship a safe relationship, then marriage counseling or relationship counseling is appropriate and the betrayal of the relationship should be conveyed within the confines of the therapeutic milieu. The bottom line is this... if you are not safe, do not reveal anything that makes you more unsafe. If you have any doubt about your safety, wait until you have help from a professional counselor. Remember to take care of yourself... remembe

There are times when one can feel completely overwhelmed by life's circumstances. Those are the times when you need a safe place to destress and unload all of the garbage that has attached itself to your person. By garbage, I am thinking of the negative emotions of others that can "slime" us; the negative encounters we experience with unhappy people who just cannot be satisfied; the negative fights with out of control people; the things that just happen out of our control like car accidents, extreme weather situations and pregnancy (hahaha! yes, sometimes pregnancy happens even when you try to prevent it!). But, when you feel overwhelmed and you don't know where to turn, there is a place where you can hide. A place where you can find solace. In Psalm 91, King David writes of the Shelter of Father God's wings... the shelter of His presence. As you read Psalm 91, listen to verbs: Psalm 91 1-13 You who sit down in the High God's presence, spend the night i