Getting over divorce... does it really take time?

Jan 22, 2009, 2:05 am
In the last 18 months, I seem to have had quite a few male and female clients in my practice who are either going through divorce, or about to go through divorce. Divorce is painful... it involves the tearing apart of two people's lives. It isn't something you "just get over." Divorce takes time to mend your life. The estimate is one year for every two years of relationship. So, for example, if you've been married for 10 years... it will take five years of recovery after divorce before you are ready to attempt another relationship.

For some reason when I recommend to my clients that they take a break from relationship after divorce and take the time to allow their hearts to heal, a lot of my guys have run off and gotten involved immediately, only to come back and tell me that they should have listened. I guess the reality is that you have to love yourself enough to take the time off to explore the realities of "what happened..." If you don't take these steps, you'll repeat the same mistakes in your next relationship. I know, I've had to own my own junk from my 10-year marriage. I've been divorced for eight years now and I am glad that I have waited to get involved again.

There is FREEDOM in waiting. For one thing, your heart will be less tender and more able to fully respond to the woman of your dreams if you take the necessary time to heal. Divorce is like grief... there is no way through, but through. To hurry the process just means delaying the positive outcomes in your life.

So, last night I was thinking. I have to write about this divorce stuff because I run into so many people who just want to ignore the physical realities that are associated with getting over a mental/emotional wound. The physical reality is that you will be more stressed just after divorce, more tender, more reactive, eager to replace the lost person. If a person takes the time to heal, these tendencies are lessened.

In Tennessee, there are divorce care groups you can attend. I don't know about the rest of the country, but these groups do help you work through what may have caused your divorce. Divorce is never one-sided. It always takes two people to go through divorce. Some say, "my wife is the one who cheated..." Well, as therapists, we always encourage the spouse of the one who cheated to take a look at what got inbetween the couple to allow for the intrusion of another. Another person can't get into a marriage if the couple has a tight relationship. Owning our parts in relationships takes courage and emotional honesty. Making life long changes that bring health into any relationship is something that must be accomplished one step at a time.

Once you've processed all of those reasons and come to a place where you can see that person not as your enemy, but as someone with whom you spent a season of your life with, you can begin to move on from the pain of the separation. The stages of death described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, 1) shock, 2) denial, 3) anger, 4) bargaining, 5) depression, 6) testing, and 7) letting go (acceptance), (Ross, 1969 retrieved January 22, 2009, from http://changingminds­.org/disciplines/cha­nge_management/kuble­r_ross/kubler_ross.h­tm) all apply when going through divorce.

So, if you are going through divorce or just divorced, please take the time to allow yourself to heal. It will be the best investment you've ever made in your life.

Take care and my best to you,
RamyB, MMFT